Reynolds Metals

would someone read this story and rate it on a scale of 1-10 and critique it as well?

My story starts when i was four. My name is Evangeline Valdis. Picture this. I am sitting at a desk coloring a picture. The picture is meaningless. It is a rainbow and a pony. My teacher is Miss. Reynolds. She is writing our lesson plan on the board. The scene changes suddenly. Rapidly. It is a parking lot. Dark. It is raining and Miss. Reynolds car wont start. She is muttering under her breath. A red car pulls up beside her. "Maybe it's your spark plugs Miss. Reynolds!" A man hollers. >She gasps then steps out of the drivers seat. Smiling. Its only Mr. Turner. "Probably!" She calls back. He jogs over. She is still smiling. Suddenly there is a scuffle. A scream. Several screams. A bang, clang of metal. And then Miss. Reynolds, covered in blood at the foot of her car. Dead. >The scene shifts and i am four again. And i am screaming at the top of my lungs. Miss. Reynolds looks terrified. "Angel--" she begins shakily, for my screams are otherworldly. I do not know what i saw or why i saw it. >The screaming continues as Miss. Reynolds calls first my parents then the school nurse. I am sedated and taken home by my father. A week later, Miss. Reynolds is on the news. She was found raped and beaten to death by the foot of her car in the school parking lot. >There are no suspects.

Public Comments

1. On a scale of 1-10, you would get about an 11. This was actually very good, I really enjoyed it. It needs a bit of editing, some grammar and sentence structure review, but that's not a big deal at this point. I actually really like this, it's such a unique idea, and I love your writing style. This would make an excellent prologue, in my opinion. Keep writing, and good luck! =)
2. ide give it a 6 its good but it doesn't get into much detail. But its okay
3. i dint understand that last part... the car raped her or she was raped next to the car? i really like it...8
4. Umm... 8/10 its has good detail but not perfect
5. I'd give you an 8.5. I enjoyed this a lot more than most of the stuff people post on the internet, it was quite good. Usually I dislike stories that talk directly to the reader but you wrote it well, and I kinda liked it. Anyway, the main thing that I think you need is more detail. Describe the 'vision' a bit more, and describe her reaction, and the reactions of her classmates more. Also, you had some spelling, and grammatical errors, but a bit of editing could fix that. --For example, in this sentence: "It is raining and Miss. Reynolds car wont start." You should have an apostrophe after Reynolds, like this "...and Miss Reynolds' car ..." Great luck, this is a wonderful start ;)